Want to Feel Fully Alive? Talk About Your Death

I don’t know how I find myself in these situations, but I am one lucky person. Most recently, I have been working with the Citizens League, Twin Cities Public Television and the Twin Cities Medical Society on a project called Honoring Choices Minnesota. It’s my job to interview people and hold discussions about end-of-life choices.

On Monday I interviewed four gifted people—gifted because when we were talking, I felt as if they were lifting a veil on some deep mystery of life. No man behind the curtain here. This was as real as it gets, almost like stepping out of your pretend life, with its everyday distractions and nuisances and pettiness, into your real life. A real life utterly simple and reachable and always there. They were showing me humanity.

How do you talk about death? Easy, you talk about life. Everyone has a story. It turns out that an essential part of being human is that the story of who we are—whatever it may be—must matter. These days, when “mattering” is equated with fame and money and political power, it’s hard to imagine that our own humble stories might matter. But they do. We make them matter by sharing them with someone who cares about us and can listen with respect and without judgment. Find that person. We also make them matter by ensuring that the choices made at the end of life are consistent with that story. The choices must honor that story.

I heard many unremarkable but remarkable stories on Monday. A twenty-six year old newlywed uses a road trip across America to discuss end-of-life choices with her husband. She reaches her destination feeling “safer and more confident” now that she better understands her own values and desires, and how she would be cared for in her last days.

An elderly gentleman who understands that continued treatment is unlikely to help his illness, but can’t give up because he is waiting for the birth of his grandchild. The Buddhist family that remarks when their parent is dying, “This is what we’ve been waiting for.” The woman who chooses to die in the hospital surrounded by her family instead of being ambulanced back to her hometown where she always wanted to be. She made a choice. The family found peace in their grief because they knew she died as she wanted, with her family at her side.

Thank you to Kim, Mary, Dennis and Paul for sharing their stories and inspirations. Videos from these interviews will be posted soon on TPT’s website.

But also, it’s easy to complete a health care directive. You can find documents and instructions at the Minnesota Board on Aging. It just might be one of the kindest things you’ve ever done for yourself.